Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Review: The Worst Cocktail Day

A little something different for you this evening, friends. I don't normally skew into reviewing other peoples' writing; after all, those people get published, and I do this just as a hobby. But my wife sent this to me earlier today and I nearly had a stroke at my desk.

Did you know it was World Cocktail Day today? Despite my obvious interest, I had absolutely no clue, being not only generally oblivious to the date but also a committed hater of fake holidays. (And anyway, if you're going to celebrate a cocktail-themed holiday, why the fuck wouldn't it be it Repeal Day?) Fortunately we have David Holloway, writing at, to tell us all about it.
Today is World Cocktail Day and I can hear many of you muttering under your breath reading this space you thought everyday was World Cocktail Day.
You can practically fucking hear him chortling as he writes this. Not off to a good start.
You can celebrate accordingly but I know how I plan to mark the occasion; more on that in a minute. 
Okay, I'm sure you've got some good options lined up! Maybe we'll get some historical gems: a Sazerac, a Sidecar, a Martinez, something special and authentic...
A cocktail is defined as "any generic alcoholic mixed drink, cocktail may mean any beverage that contains two or more ingredients if at least one of them contains alcohol."
That can mean just about anything and rightly does.
...Not promising, David. Cocktails should be special! "Just about anything" doesn't cut it.
You never know when somebody will ask me a question about a Fuel-Injected Sidecar Cocktail and I better know the answer. 
I... wait, what? First of all, that sounds like a horrid shot-of-the-week that some hungover college town bartender cobbled together after reading the back of a discount-rack cocktail guide. Second, do you own and manage a bar that you forgot to mention? Do people actually ask you shit like this? Are you that desperate for friends? Is that why you seem so desperate to "mark the occasion"?
...the adult libation of choice for me will most likely be a variation of a classic drink made popular by one of the great movie spies of all time.
Oh no. No, no, no no no no no...
James Bond's drink of choice (at least the early Bond played by Sean Connery) was a vodka martini.
God dammit, David! A vodka martini? That faux-sophisticated bastardization of a real, proper cocktail? Let's get one thing straight: a "vodka martini" is not a Martini. Neither gin nor vermouth are optional. Granted, they take a little care to assemble, but together they make for one of the most sublime cocktails around, one which has quite rightly lasted for over a hundred years. Why would you mess with that, David?
I fell for them straight off. But it wasn't until I discovered the dirty version of that iconic ligation that I really fell for them.


The Dirty Martini is a martini in which the bartender adds a healthy dose of the olive juice to mix to make it extra special.


I once ordered a dirty martini in a bar in New Orleans and the bartender asked me if I wanted it Britney dirty or Madonna dirty. I went for the Madonna version.
OH HAHA, HAHA, HAHA. SUCH FUNNY. It's funny because Madonna is so dirty, and also because a dirty martini is like drinking a salt lick! Especially when you make it like this:
...1 fluid ounce brine from olive jar...
A whole fucking ounce? GODDAMNIT DAVID WHY ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ
So to be the best host you can be how about pouring some extra olive juice into a small glass and serving it with the drink so that your guest can add more if they desire? And if it's me, I will most likely do just that.
How about no, because that is not a thing that ANY human with even a rudimentary set of taste buds would EVER WANT. That's fucking ENOUGH out of you, David. Go sit in the goddamned corner and eat a garnish tray of olives. You deserve it. Afterwards if you're good we'll let you suckle the bar mats. I'm sure you'll give us another 2,000-word masterpiece out of the experience.

Do me a favor, folks. Listen to nothing this man says about this or any other topic. Do not drink a dirty "martini", ever. It is a garbage drink for garbage people, people such as David. Grab a cocktail book, pick a page at random, and make that. You will have a better World Cocktail Day, I guarantee it.

Next year, let's show him how it's done.

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